And while we're at it, no player fatigue either. I don't really know how these rules will effect the game, or how the players will adjust, I just know these are the rules I played with while I went 74-8 in NHL '94 with the Red Wings on the Sega Genesis, and if they worked for me then, they've gotta work in real life too. Most people look back and realize that hockey was never as popular as it was in the mid-90's, and the NHL video game series has to be given full credit for that. Why not go retro, not only with the looks, but with the rules as well. Hey, we can even bring back Dino Ciccarrelli as well to give things their proper feel.

I'm not talking about the actual playoffs, I'm talking the Stanley Cup itself. I will be the first to admit that the Stanley Cup is the single greatest trophy in sports, and one of hockey's most recognizable symbols. Therefore, they should get out there and market the hell out of the thing, wring every dollar possible out of this trophy.

- A "Stanley Cup, P.I." crime mystery cartoon for Kids on Saturday mornings
- Stanley Cup Soda, a refreshing citrusy flavored soda that comes in 3 colors
- And finally, a Stanley Cup shaped condom for men who love hockey as much as the woman they are with

The possibilities are really endless.

UFC is currently the fastest growing sport in America. All the sports news shows (I'll even include the sport-o-tainment channel ESPN in that) claim that it is replacing boxing as the favorite fighting sport in America. That's not entirely accurate - it's replaced both boxing and hockey as America's favorite fighting sport. Hockey really only has itself to blame for this one, as they...wait for it...penalize players that get in fights. This is probably shocking to most average joe hockey fans. Why would hockey penalize one of the biggest draws to the sport? This would be like baseball penalizing big-time home run hitters who were using steroids (if you knew it was going on, right Bud?). To encourage fighting, several rules changes will be enacted

- no penalties for fighting and winning, and a 2 minute minor for the loser

- players will be encouraged to have managers, ala Mean Gene Oakerlund to "stir the pot" with opposing players

- all bounties on opposing players' heads will be matched dollar for the dollar by the league and finally

- 3 belts for best fighting forward, defensement, and goalie will be created, with all challengers required to "beat the champ to be the champ". Fans may not be able to tell you who's in first place, or who the front runner for the Conn Smythe trophy is, but they will surely know who the Undisputed Defensive Champion of the NHL is. Plus, they'd be easily recognizable by fans, since they'd be skating around with huge WWE style belts on during the games.

Instead of having guys throw hats on the ice when someone scores 3 goals, there needs to be a new tradition that will get fans in the arena. After all, the hats are simply brushed aside and donated to charity, which are manned by volunteers, who we all know are tree-hugging hippies. So according to the Bush administration's logic, a hockey player who scores 3 goals is supporting terrorists, and we can't have that in America (could care less about Canada).

New Rule: All girls must flash the player who scores 3 goals in a game. Please tell me any negatives with this rule change. Ok, we definitely need a bylaw - only hot chicks over the age of 18 are allowed to follow this rule. We probably need another bylaw - any girl over 18 is allowed to follow the rule in Calgary, since hot girls are probably scarce. This change would definitely put butts in the seat, and would make them stick around to the end of the game to see if any guys score garbage goals. ESPN would be cutting into hockey games constantly - you can picture a cut-into a college basketball game with "This is Barry Melrose, we're going to cut live into the Ottawa vs. Detroit game as

The concept of cheap beer is enough to make most men travel from their favorite bar. The concept of free beer is enough to make most men kill the man next to them in order to get more. This is exactly the type of violent and destructive behavior hockey needs more of. The extra bonus of all this is that after men starting drinking they get even more violent and desctructive. They even approach the destructiveness of hockey players themselves, no small feat.

I can hear the critics already - this will only promote drunk driving. Not true at all. It is our intention entirely to allow the men to drink so much they won't even be able to walk out to the parking lot. The only policies that promote drunk driving are those which restrict men from drinking, as it creates an artificial level of intoxication between sober and passed out that most men would otherwise not encounter (please note: this opinion is not shared by most sensible humans). Additionally, critics may say that beer and alcohol promote violence - to them, I say "this is hockey!", violence is exactly the type of thing we are trying to promote.

While fights are exciting, people in the seats have a hard time telling who is winning. That's the beauty of blood - it really gives a good indication of who's winning in a fight for those of us who can't afford those nice ringside seats. This rule is really for those folks, the hockey middle-class, who sit in the bleachers and who may or may not be there for the free beer (see Free Beer rule). Not every fight in hockey draws blood, and that's really a shame. Luckily, there are things we can do about that.

Rule 1 - Players will be encouraged to have blood packets on them, to increase the amount of blood in every fight

2 - players will be encouraged to have razor blades available to cut themselves in a fight as a way to trigger blood flow.

Alot of people may claim "this sounds like the WWE with all this fake blood" and those people would be right. However, the WWE has a TV contract that the NHL would kill for, so they must be doing something right.

So what if Barry Melrose knows more about hockey than anyone else - his mullet isn't doing anything for me, and I'm guessing outside of the Kentucky redneck demographic, isn't doing much for anyone else either. Why not make the announcers more exciting and better looking. Let's aim even higher, why not make the announcers some of the hottest women on earth. Who's not watching hockey at that point, if every stoppage in play goes up to the announcers booth for an in-depth analysis. So what if their hocky knowledge is a little lacking - most people watching hockey have no idea what the rules are anyway (2 line pass anyone?).